By Brandon Hess, CVPM, CCFP
Effective communication is hard. I mean, really hard. There are a variety of personalities that we deal with on a daily basis, and to adjust to each of those can be exhausting. What’s even more exhausting? Conflict. Effective communication is more than just talking to someone. It’s about adjusting one’s communication style to that which the other person will respond to the best.
“The golden rule of effective communication is to speak to others the way that they would like to be spoken to; not the way you like to be spoken to.”
How is it possible to adjust one’s communication style to each and every person you speak to? Well, it’s not. Inevitably you are going to interact with individuals that you have never met before, thus do not know their communication style. Effective communication is a skill, and just like any skill it must be practiced. There are also other skills/keys that will help you be a better communicator.
- Empathy: This is all about giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. Figuratively putting yourself in their shoes. Understanding that there may be things that person is dealing with that is influencing the way they are communicating with you. Here is a video the VetSupport team created to really drive the idea of empathy home. When practicing empathy during communication one understands that what you are seeing and hearing is not always the whole story. If someone is upset, or frustrated, it is likely not about you but rather the myriad of challenges and stresses that person has in their life.
- Self-Awareness: As one of the 4 main components to Emotional Intelligence (EI), self-awareness is all about being able to identify when one’s emotions have changed and what influenced that. Within effective communication, self-awareness is key to being able to identify when the conversation is not going well. There is a point when communication turns to conflict. Being able to identify that point, and address it (self-management) is the ultimate goal to effective communication. The sooner one can address a potential conflict (or disconnect between intent and perception), the better it is for both individuals, and the relationship between the two.
- Self- Management: As a second component of EI, self-management is being able to adjust one’s behavior in a healthy manner. This is especially important in effective communication, and is often referred to as a “filter”. When in stressful communications, or conflicts, there are points where you may have the urge to reactively respond. At this point, self-management is pivotal. What you should do is: take a deep breath, think about your response (filter) and respond in a way that will get the best result from that communication.
- Listen to understand, not to respond: Often we are listening to respond, rather than actually hear what the other person is saying. You may find yourself doing this if you are anticipating what the rest of the other’s communication will be; or if you’re thinking of a response before the other completes their statement. Slow down, and truly try to understand the message from the other person. If you are unsure of their message, ask for clarification. Be curious with the other person. Often, conflict occurs because there is a disconnect between what one person intended and what the other perceived.
- Don’t Expect Perfection: Perfection is an unrealistic expectation, especially when it comes to effective communication. There are so many variables that are out of your control, that all you should focus on controlling is your side of that communication. In addition, it’s a skill. Just like any skill it takes practice, and there will be times that you don’t get it right. Think back on a skill you developed in the past. Perhaps it is driving a car, or placing a catheter. I am certain there were times, even after being proficient at that skill, that you just couldn’t get it right. Be patient, and don’t expect perfection.